Successful Blended Families

Successful Blended Families are made, they don't just happen. To be a successful blended family you need to remember that it is a package deal. If one of you has children then you have to work at the relationship with the children too.

Statistics show that the divorce rate for second marriages, are higher than the first marriage. The number one cause, according to the statistics, is the children. Would you like some important insights and solutions that will help you be a successful blended family?

To create a successful blended family, it is helpful for the new parent to be their friends, be patient, and not to try to parent them. Make sure to avoid commenting on your spouses parenting skills and actions with the children until you are alone. This will only serve to undermine the relationship with your spouse, or the children, or both.

Last but not least, Do not take their rejection personally. Children would react the same way with anyone. Children have a habit of jumping to conclusions and trying to make trouble when there is none. Be patient and remember how you were at their age.

Post Holiday Let Down

Thanksgiving is over this year and you had a rough go of it. Don't let it get you down. Next year will be even better.

Take a few moments and list what you are thankful for and look forward to next year.

Its never too soon to plan how you will have Thanksgiving next year. Take a few moments and think about what made this year rough and eliminate those things whenever possible. Now take a few moments and think about what made it special and see how you can enhance those things in your next years festivities.

For more information visit the link in the left hand column for Spokane Blended Families Examiner. Consider subscribing and following the updates on a weekly basis.

Don't give up on your new family. In time it will work out.

Blending the children into a family

Sibling rivalry is alive and well no matter what the family unit structure is. Whether you are from a large family like the Walton's where no divorce or death of a spouse has occurred, or a blended family like the Brady Bunch, there will be sibling rivalry. It may not be an everyday occurrence, but it will be there lurking in the shadows waiting to attack when you least expect it.

Whenever possible, it is best to make sure the children have met prior to the wedding. A wedding is a huge life changing event and to suddenly meet your new siblings at the wedding is a huge stress on all of the children involved. Even if the siblings to be live a continent away it is important to find a way that they can meet prior to the wedding.

If the soon to be new step parent, only has visiting alternate weekends, make sure to plan a few get together's prior to the wedding ceremony, so that the kids can become familiar with one another and get to know one another.

If both parties have full custody and all children will be living under the same roof, this is even more imperative.

More on this next week.

How to deal with conflicts in a blended family

Statistically blended families last an even short time period than original families. Therefore it is imperative to deal with conflicts as soon as they arise.

Keep communications open with your new spouse and with the children. Communication is the key to dealing with conflicts. Be open and honest about how you are feeling without being accusing.

Do not let little things pile up. Tackle them as they arise. Remember that he may have been a bachelor for the last 5 years and it didn't matter if he put the lid on the toothpaste or left it off. If it bothers you so much, accept that it obviously doesn't bother him and put the lid on yourself and be done with it. No amount of whining is going to help him remember. You can mention it once offhandedly and let him know that you found the lid for the toothpaste and put it back on. If that doesn't spur him into the action of replacing the lid when he is done, then forget it. Why make a big deal out of it? It is one of those little endearing things that we ladies learn to live with.

On the other hand, if he is still in communication with all his former leading ladies and does not have children with them, it is your right to let him know that it bothers you and is not normal behavior.

Pick your battles. You can live with the toothpaste lid, but you may not want to live with all the former leading ladies.

Don't let the little things that bother you get out of control and become a huge dinosaur in the living room. Make a time and place to discuss conflicts and get them out in the open as soon as possible to prevent hurt feelings and resentments from building up. The longer you stew in your resentments the larger they become. Its kind of like walking around the dinosaur in the living room. No one really wants to mention it and upset it, but someone really needs to get it out of the way.

If the conflict is marital, do not include the children in the discussion. Some things are meant to be private between a husband and wife. Keep them that way. Otherwise you will be getting all sorts of conflicting advice from the children and possibly even the ex spouses. Not to mention having the children start siding with one or the other of you.

When conflicts arise regarding the children, make a united front. If you need to talk to your spouse in private get the facts and tell the child you will discuss it and return. Have them wait there and go into another room. When you return present a untied front. If children think they can split you up by causing a conflict, many will do so.

State the consequences and make sure that the child understands that it is coming from both of you, not just the stepparent. Presenting a united front will show the children that you are making every effort to make this relationship last.

Recognize that not all conflicts will have an agreeable resolution. There are simply times where we have to agree to disagree. In these cases, state your case and acknowledge that you understand their side of it. Then as a mature couple agree to disagree and go on with life. Its too short to waste on a meaningless conflict that 20 years from now won't even matter.

What to do if your blended family does not get along well

Siblings often have disagreements. Add in a blended family and chances are, you are facing a real challenge. Don't despair, this too will work itself out given time and a few easy tips that will encourage camaraderie among the troops.

When you are planning to remarry, don't leave the children out of all of the discussions. Make sure they are aware of the impending marriage and allow them the opportunity to meet one another as well as the spouse to be prior to the marriage taking place.

Blended families that get along are not instant, often it takes hard work by all parties to have the harmony that one dreams of.

Sit down with the children and let them know that you know it will not always be easy but in households where there aren't remarriages, the children don't always get along either. Reassure them that it is normal to not always like their sibling but that you do have specific expectations.

Explain to the children what your expectations are. This may take some prior thought on your part so take some time and think about how you want to approach this conversation. You may even want to write it out so you don't forget anything. In addition to the basics of not hitting, punching, kicking or swearing at each other you may have other thoughts and ideas you wish to implement.

Share with the children that you want them to be happy and get along as much as possible but that you sometimes did not always get along with your siblings. This might be a good time to share a specific story from your own childhood and show that you too have been through a similar situation. Stress to the children that if they don't like something their new sibling does, to try to put themselves in that persons shoes and think about how they might feel.

Remind them that communicating with one another is a great first step in developing a friendship with one another. Help them to find common ground such as perhaps a loved author or activity that they may enjoy talking about or sharing. Working together or sharing books by a loved author is a great way to forge their relationship and help them to learn to love each other and treat each other with respect.

As much as possible allow the children to work through their own disagreements and only step in when absolutely necessary. Make sure that the children know that you love them all equally and that you are willing to listen to both sides of an argument without immediate judgment. If a solution is obvious find a way to get one of the children to come up with it rather than you intervening in all arguments. Often true friendships are forged when the children themselves come up with the solutions on how to get along.

Be patient. Remember that youth don't always make wise decisions. Give them room to make errors and adjustments as they go through this transitional phase. Help them to be patient with one another. Remind them that you didn't always get along with your brother or sister either but that you found ways to compromise and get along and now your brother or sister is your closest friend.

Preparing the children for the new blended family living situation ahead of time will go far in preventing a lot of arguing and difficulties in the new family. Above all, teach them that there are simply times where we must agree to disagree and leave it at that. It is not always possible to sway another's point of view to your perspective and that is okay too.

All of our lives we are faced with learning how to deal with other people and their differences. Teaching children how to do this at home will go far in helping them along the path of life and getting along with others.